by Peyvand Sadeghian

Holding up a mirror to yourself is HARD.

I came on to this intensive thinking I would be working towards one end goal (namely, refining an idea I have for my own show), but in doing so I have had to look at who I am, what I really want, and what’s actually getting in my way (hint: it’s usually me and my stubborn attitude, the rest have relatively straightforward solutions I can learn). Open Space reminds you to be prepared to be surprised, and those moments really do sneak up on you when you least suspect it.

A couple of realisations I’ve had:

• Money makes me uncomfortable. It is in constant conflict with my identity as an ‘artist’, and I’m not very good with it, therefore I avoid dealing with it, and in doing that I’ve avoided responsibility and in some ways devalued the work I do, and myself. I am a professional. Professionals get paid. And if I’m too busy worrying about my most basic needs of food and shelter, I can never fully focus on my work. I want to able to fully focus on my creative work.
• As well as all the processes, and creation, and play that I love about performing, what I really feed on is being fully present and connected. Outside of the performance sphere, I’m not always as present as I should be and want to be. I can and should be present in other areas of my life outside of the rehearsal room.

By the end of the first week, my head was spinning between awe and discovery to cycles of overly self-critical voices. On my day off I chose not to think about it at all, not beat myself up about it, and do some stuff for ME, guilt-free. The other thing I’ve learned is that I need to give my head some peace sometimes. The depths of my mind can be a busy, noisy place, so it’s in this breathing space I can organise my thoughts for a bit of clarity. By Monday morning I was back in the room, present, ready…and with ideas I hadn’t tried to squeeeeze out under my own self-inflicted pressure. As we move through the final week of the intensive, aware of what my blocks are, I’m ready to accept and absorb what’s on offer.

My next steps will be to figure out a way to continue my development and creative work without using ‘life’ as an excuse when I don’t have dedicated Open Space studio time. A week ago this would have stressed me out to the point of not even being able to entertain it as a possibility. Now, although I still don’t have all the answers, I know I can take the steps I need to take, and that’s all that can happen, and I have a supremely talented and generous group of artists I can turn to for support along the way.

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IMAGE: Peyvand Sadeghian creates a movement sequence, during a Peer Practice Exchange session led by Jennifer Kay. Photo by Anne Rene Brashier.